Saturday, January 24, 2015

#104 Set Me Free

“The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.” 
― Gloria Steinem

Truth.  I often avoid it on this blog because, frankly, I am still pissed and Ms. Steinem says I must be pissed before I tackle the truth.  One of which is that cancer was not to happen the first time and then certainly not creep back into my life.

So, taking the truth serum I will be brutally honest today.  Warning--there may be content that will  make you uncomfortable or bore you or even make you have thoughts that I've gone off the deep end (not yet). Hit escape if you want to continue picturing me as Pollyanna with a perpetual smile on my face.  Most times I try but sometimes venting helps the soul and poor Rob could use a break from one of my crankier days.

In random order as I write almost everything that has been bugging me but has remained unpublished.

                                                       The darker side of me.

1. My hip aches every single day and when it aches more than usual I start to panic that the cancer is spreading.
2.  I miss running--a lot.  It shouldn't be an issue but it is and it reminds me how things have changed.
3. Working out hard until the sweat drips off me in puddles and I can barely catch my breath--miss it.  If I do that I am wiped out for a couple of days so I hold back to "conserve" my energy, which by the way is always lacking.
4. Sleep--oh what I would give for a blissful night of uninterrupted slumber.
5. Food is an issue because my tummy backfires if I eat too much, too little, the wrong combination.  It constantly reminds me to be diligent in my quest for feeding my face.
6. The weight gain.  Damn hormone drugs are a factor and I should let it go.  The nurse's comment sticks in my head--"We want you to have that extra weight on you."  She didn't finish it with a reason why but I know and it bothers me to think about it.
7. I feel myself observing people instead of engaging in the conversation.  I'm not sure why I'm holding back.
8. Planning trips for next year--what to do, what to do?  Go ahead and just do it.  I know that's what normal people do but my "go ahead" has a red flag on it.
9. Every time, every time I hear about someone dying of cancer my ears perk up.  How long ago was the diagnosis. Morbidly, I want details.
10. I'm now telling people in casual conversations about me.  "Oh the weather is perfect out here--do you know I have cancer?"  I'm not sure why I am suddenly opening up to strangers.  Maybe to explain why I don't dive for the pickle ball or race up the mountains.  It seems to be on the tip of my tongue lately.

Okay, ten whines should do it for today.  If I could, I would raise a glass of wine and toast that my bitchin' days are done--for now.

Thanks for reading # 104 of 7777.


  1. Mary,

    I just wanted to assure you that I live daily with each of those "dark" statements as well - most of us do, so you are NOT alone. There aren't any easy answer, expect plan the vacation! We usually only regret what we don't try.

    So happy our paths have crossed!

    1. Thanks for your wise and supportive words.